i just missed a mandatory training for work...and being a newly minted employee, things like this don't help at all.  this is the second time.  and they won't easily forgive.  questions arise.  what will my supervisor say?  will i still have a job even?  dammit.  why can't i keep my schedule together?? 

in my naivete, i think if others were unjust to me, it wouldn't be as bad.  my integrity would still stand.  but when i realize that ive done something wrong it hurts so bad.  it's as if the pillars im standing on are knocked out from under me.  my thoughts sink into my stomach.

one thing that i feel really guilty about is missing appointments or not fulfilling what i had planned to do.  and that is just what happened this morning.  a few missed appointments which says that im not fulfilling the role to be a faithful worker.  a few missed appointments which says that i don't have my priorities straight.  how can i even begin to think about the eternally-important responsibility of sharing christ to others, when i cannot even handle the day-to-day responsibility of showing up to a place on time?

sigh.

how can i dare even think about the death of the saints and their reckless abandonment to love when i am not faithful in my commitments to others?  because surely, the saints' faithfulness to the gospel was what led to their death and reckless abandonment...not that death and reckless abandonment stand alone because if not for love they would be no more than a clanging gong or cymbal.  my soul weeps at the thought.  maybe then, this whole process will take more time than i think.  maybe the path towards radical change starts with simply being faithful.  

I've been listening to Tim Keller, and I've found so much wholeness listening to him talk about the gospel.  He offers two perspectives on how to see the gospel.  1.  God, Sin, Man, Jesus.  2.  Creation, Fall, Redemption, Restoration.  If you think about it, the second way is about Jesus too.

I think we live in a time where people's minds are getting tired of saying the name "Jesus".  The sounds "Je" and "sus" do not excite our neurons as much as say than the sound for "change" or "Obama".  And so people get more excited about politics than religion.  And why is that?  Well.  Say something that means the same thing for 2000 years, and you might get quite bored with it.  It's time to move on.  We've tried Jesus already.  And like, nothing's changed.  JEBUS.  Hahaha.  That was funny.

When Jesus came down, I think he meant more than just to say "God loves you".  Maybe love is like the best thing we have in the English language, but it means waaay too many things for it to actually mean something.  Sex, desire, a vague feeling, <3, luv, maybe we need to differentiate the love that comes from Jesus from all these other ones.

Love speaks with action.  We only know love because our moms cook us food to brighten our day.  We only know love because the guy proposes to the girl.  We only know love because Jesus died for us.  Words were not meant to just stop with the idea, but were meant to act with purpose.  Action.  God said, "Let there be light," and there was light.

Now, when we speak of love, what is to come afterward?  What is love in action?  I think.  It's a lot of stuff.  A lifetime of stuff.  But, I know this much now.  A big chunk of it is restoration.  And restoration happens every day.  The sun rises.  The sun sets.  The sun rises again.  Leaves grow.  Leaves fall.  Leaves grow again.  The world does it, but we are not of this world.  Relationships are made.  Relationships break.  We wonder.  We wait.  Brokenness.  The biggest brokenness has got to be between God and man.  I mean, just think of the tension.  Before we sacrificed animals, but we didn't take it seriously.  So Jesus came down to be the sacrifice.  To restore the biggest thing, and give us strength to restore all the other things. 

I bet if people saw restoration of all things through Jesus, something big would happen.